Yo-Yo

I have never been good at using a yo-yo. I can get it to come back up maybe once.  What I am good at though, is allowing my weight to go up and down.  I’ve been that way since, well, birth.  I was tiny when I was born, grew quickly off the charts and have been yo-yoing ever since.  This isn’t the most comfortable thing to write about, but if I’m going to use this blog to help keep me accountable, I need to be honest. 

The smallest I've ever been.  Sorry for the pic, mom :).

Cute and chubby.

I first remember thinking that I was “fat” in late elementary school.  I was definitely getting picked on then and when liking boys started entering the picture, forget about it.  It continued to be pretty bad until 8^th grade and then I feel like it lessened somewhat.  I’m not sure if kids matured or if it was because I thinned out a little after a summer growth spurt.  The damage was done though, and I had horrible self-esteem and definitely thought I was ginormous.  Looking back at pictures from high school now, I don’t think I look that bad, but at the time I definitely felt much bigger than my naturally thin friends. 

High School graduation.  Not the best picture, but I still have that pink dress.   My goal is to wear it again someday!

College came and it started out okay.  I even took aerobics as a class my first semester to help avoid the freshman fifteen.  But then, just my clumsy luck, I fell while ice-skating and broke my hip.  Yes, I still get made fun of for this injury today.  81 year olds break their hips, not 18 year olds.  But, this injury was the beginning of the ups and downs of my weight through adulthood.  I gained all through college and was the heaviest I had ever been at graduation.  It happened gradually, so I didn’t really notice until I looked at pictures from freshman year and senior year.  Very different.  After graduation, I was determined to make a change.  I was together with some friends and for some reason we were talking about the Biggest Loser.  We said whoever lost the most weight would get a prize the next year.  For some reason, this ignited my fire.  Because I had random part time jobs, I was able to work out quite a bit and really worked on my eating habits.  Sure enough, a year and about 50 pounds later I received that prize - a dvd of Will Ferrell’s best SNL moments.  Totally worth all the hard work.

After I lost the college weight.  I didn't have any late college pics easily available.  Plus, most are inappropriate ;).

Before my sprint triathlon.  Oh we look so young.

As the weight started gaining back on.  This was a little over a month after my first surgery.

Preggo with Aiden.

I was able to keep the weight off through my wedding and for a few months after.  Again, it was a medical issue that set me back.  In September of 2009 I had my first open heart surgery.  I really struggled coming back from that, didn’t watch what I ate and became more sedentary.  The weight piled on all the way through my pregnancy with Aiden.  After Aiden was born, again I was motivated to be healthy.  I wanted to be active with my son and feel good about myself.  I worked really hard and lost the 30 pounds I had gained while pregnant, plus 50 more.  Then came Miss Audrey.  When I found out I was pregnant with her, it was like every craving I had over the past year took over.  Donuts for breakfast?  Sure!  Milkshakes any time?  Definitely.  Make cookies with Aiden and eat most of them myself?  Absolutely.  (Sweets were my major downfall.)  I gained 50+ pounds during pregnancy and a lot of it had to do with the food I was eating.  Also, I was told by my doctors to not exert myself because of my heart issue, so I couldn’t continue to work out.  But that’s not a good enough excuse.

Working hard to take weight off after Aiden was born.

Thankfully, those pants would still be big.  

A few weeks before Audrey was born.

And that brings us to now.  To be honest, I was terrified to have this surgery for several reasons but a big one was that I would “let go” again and gain more weight.  I am determined to not let that happen.  Thanks to no appetite and water pills, I’ve lost 12 pounds since surgery.  My appetite is back now though, so I’m trying to be careful about my diet.  I know myself well enough to know that I cannot completely deprive myself of something.  It is all about moderation and portion control.  With all of the wonderful meals people have been bringing us, I’ve enjoyed all of them, but in modest portions. 

And today.  Literally.  No makeup, no sucking it in, no helpful Instagram editing.

My plan is to write about how this is all going every Friday.  If I make that a goal, I know it will help me make better choices throughout the week.  People are so hesitant to talk about weight and being healthy.  As kids, no one seemed to have a problem calling someone names right to their face.  As adults, we tend to talk about it behind a person’s back – did he/she gain weight?  Have you seen her lately? It is a sensitive subject, believe me I know.  My goal is to be healthy and strong, and I’m trying to be more open about that.  No shame, no feeling sorry for myself.  I want to be a good example for my kids and live a long life for them.  Here’s to letting the weight yo-yo go down, but my spirit and health go up.