Friday, September 9, 2016

To Those Still Waiting...

Now that my kids are (usually) consistent with bedtime, I've started reading again.  I love to read, but for so long, I was just too tired.  Well, after several "chick lit" books (AKA all Elin Hilderbrand), I finally picked up The Girl on the Train.  Maybe not the best "read before bed" book, but it's pretty darn good.  Last night, I came upon an unexpected part that hit me in an unexpected way.  Here it is:

"Parents don't care about anything but their children.  They are the center of the universe; they are all that really counts. Nobody else is important, no one else's suffering or joy matters, none of it is real."

This came from the main character who is unable to have children.  I immediately had an overwhelming wave of GUILT.  The guilt came in many levels.  First off, this was me.  In fact, I'm pretty sure I've said something similar to this in the past... probably about six years ago.  Also, this IS me, except the other side.  My children are my universe - everything revolves around them.  

Of course, I do care about others - their suffering and their joy.  But this made me think... do I care enough?  And if I do, do I show that care as much as I should?  And what about those who are still waiting.  Waiting to become parents.  Waiting to add another child to their family.  Do I care enough about them? And the big question... do I hurt them by sharing (albeit over sharing) about my kids?  

The short answer is yes.  I'm sure I do, because it used to hurt me.  I would see pictures of newborn babies, Christmas cards of little ones in santa hats, coordinated family photos and just lose it.  I learned how to handle it, when all I wanted was a baby but it just wasn't happening, but it was still so hard.  And now here I am, making it hard on others.  

But here's the thing - and I know this from experience - this doesn't mean I shouldn't share my happiness.  The one thing I did not want people to do when I was hurting was be fake.  To hide their lives, their joys and yes, ALL the pictures of their babies.  As hard as it was to look at those pictures, I also felt happiness for them and I knew my time would come.  That doesn't mean I didn't spend some car rides home from baby showers in tears.  Or that I didn't feel jealous.  Of course I did.  But I didn't want them to pretend for me.

I want to let those who are still waiting know that we DO care.  A LOT.  I hope I haven't hurt you, and if I have, I am truly sorry.  I share in your joy, your suffering and your hope and pray for the day that your time comes... because it will. 

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